My nephews fascinate me. They are incredible young boys with an innocence making them unaware of the reality around them. I fall in love with them more every day, the passion growing and it feels as though every day God stretches my heart more and more to make room for all the love.

Tonight a friend asked about a situation in our family so I briefly explained some of what is going on. For certain reasons I will not go into detail, but I can't help but look at the situation and be in awe of the amount of love amongst everything.

Loving isn't always easy, like walking out into the living room to see my youngest nephew throwing toys at his defenseless older brother. Of course it's an instant time-out and just the other week I made sure the one picked up every single toy in the room (since the time-outs seem to be less effective every day). It doesn't phase me to "punish" them though. They seem to 'somewhat' understand it is for their own good and it was their acts which caused them to sit in the chair. But how can you not love waking up in the morning to two red heads grinning at you racing upstairs so we can sit and eat breakfast together, just the three of us?

My nephews are blessed with so much love from family and they deserve every ounce of it. I don't deserve a single laugh, hug, or kiss from them because they treat me so well it's unreal. They just love to love and it is a beautiful thing to witness their love. Their youth doesn't allow judgment. They don't understand the concept.

They love my dad because he bakes the best and is awesome at basketball. They love my mom because she lets them dig in the dirt and she sings really weird songs. They love their great grandpa because of his cane and big red van. They love Uncle Paul because...well, TRANSFORMERS, duh! They love Aunt Dawinda (Malinda), she's just fun and loud like the rest of us! They love their dad because he is their dad, plain and simple.

And you know what? Nothing else phases them!

Humiliation

Lord help me in my last month of my college career.

Yikes.

Today in one of my classes at this fine institution, we were doing group work and handed in a contract. The instructions at the top said to go over the questions and "sign this document." We did just that. Apparently (nothing was said verbally or in writing) we were to write our own document and "this" pertained to "that." She said to our group member, "What is this? This is worthless to me."

The moment he handed her the paper she responded with an attitude and by the end the class was looking at us with the "Ooooo what'd you do now" glance. She had absolutely no beef with us. This was the first assignment we were to hand in so it is not as though we were slackers for the 3rd time in a row.

No student deserved the attitude and public humiliation she gave us. Besides, we misunderstood HER POOR DIRECTIONS! I know, I'm allowing her to affect my behavior now, but that is just it.

People misunderstand directions. In our case, it was nothing HUGE, just a simple mistake we are now fixing. Why did she instantly pull a 180? One of my favorite lines in a movie entitled Friends with Money is when the husband (very kind, optimistic man) finally confronts his wife (a pessimistic woman experiencing a mid-life crisis on her own self-worth) by saying something like, "What injustice has the world done to you that you feel the need to treat others the way you do?"

Her bad attitude sent me on a rant after class (Thanks sister for listening!) and the other 3 group members were disappointed with how she treated us as well. Something set off our professor who then humiliated 4 people, causing these 4 to be upset, I then vented to my roommate and sister (for validation purposes which we all need once in a while :)), who knows what the other group members did with the situation, but do you see how this expands? One domino knocks down all the rest.

In this situation I had a nice long conversation in my head of me walking into my professors office saying, "Professor______, I do not care for the way you approached the situation in class. It was humiliating and I do not believe you should have ridiculed us for misunderstanding the directions you gave us. We thought "this document" was THIS one, and it was not necessary for you to be demeaning to us. It was very unprofessional." What would this have proven? Nothing aside from how she probably would have failed us for my poor decision to confront her. She is always emphasizing her great success in her masters and the length of time she has been teaching and the great conferences she has spoken at, but I firmly believe we all have a duty to be a good citizen and no diploma makes one person better than the next.

There, now my rant is in cyber world and I pray whatever was troubling her is now handled and that we all learn to not allow another's bad day affect us!

Control yourself

(This is a picture from freshmen year of college with Murphy and Ted! It's significance...we're in Louie the Lumina!)
A little preface to the blog: In high school my girlfriend had a red Lumina named LuLu and since mine was blue she decided Louie was a good name. Another friend had a gray one and he became our son Louis. I would like to note that I believe mine was/is the only one with power windows!

Do you find it fascinating how one event--large or small scale--causes a chain reaction or "domino effect?" I sure do. The fascination in trailing from one act to the next, and eventually ending back at this certain thing that happened. One pivotal moment appearing meaningless at the time now affect numerous aspects of a person's life. You get the idea.

Currently, this fascination poses frustrating! Last week I was in a car accident (the other person and myself are both alive, doing fine, and for the record it was not my fault to all those feeling women are poor drivers:)). It was my first accident and the feeling of not having control, the 'what could have been' result, and the shock overwhelmed my body. Thinking life would return back to normal, here are some "dominos" since the accident:

#1-I have been dealing with guilt about not appreciating the time I had with my late grandmother, not taking advantage of situations, etc. and after the accident I look at the Lumina now thinking, "How fortunate am I to even have a car. Why haven't I shown more thanks about these four wheels with two hubcaps?" There is such sentimental value to the car. My dad purchased it for an unbeatable price from our pseudo-grandparents years ago. They have since passed away (going on 10 years) but it was my little momento from them.

#2-Driving through intersections I slow down an extra 5mph which will probably someday cause some issues with whoever drives behind me. My apologies.

#3-Since summer I decided after graduation in December I would buy myself a car (assuming I have a job by then!). For the price of gas I had my eye on a Prius but the size and comfort of a Camry were more appealing. Now, when I procrastinate on the internet and search car sites, I only look at SUVs. Psychologically it makes more sense. Financially, unless I get a great deal and can use the leftover money from my monthly payments to counteract the price of gas, it doesn't make sense.

All my life I have struggled with not being in control. My faith, classes, flying, riding bike down a steep hill...

Maybe these dominos do not trail back to the accident. Maybe they trail back to me not being able to give up control of my life. What God says goes, right? But since he gave us the ability to choose, some of these material posessions provide extra comfort.

In Memory...

(Isaac, Grandma Mary, and Malinda about 3 years ago)

Grandma Mary passed away last week. October 2. Just one month after she had lost all vitals and by the touch of my grandpa (her love) her heart started beating again. It is the process of letting go of someone physically and accepting a new life in heaven. My grandpa has probably known for the last few years each day was an extra blessing because Mary has had quite the battle. She began her process of forgiveness, not only of others, but of herself, and also accepted more and more that it is ok for God to take her.

This extra month helped my grandpa truly be at peace with his wife's passing, which is truly a beautiful example of God's miracles. I was also blessed with the extra day at the nursing home with apologies about my neglect. Now I find myself reliving all the wonderful days spent with her. When my grandparents still traveled south in the winter, they would come home every spring and my grandma would sleep with me while my grandpa fixed up the farm house. She cleaned my room in her high heels when I was away. Our games of Skipbo, the pooping duck, the talking doll (cannot think of the name right now), and her beenie baby kick! The gentle quiver in her hand that was evident these last few years and holding it while she lay in her hospital bed.

After hearing of her death I turned on the radio and Chris Rice's Untitled Hymn was playing. The moment the radio came on, "Go in peace and laugh on Glory's side" came from the speakers. How beautiful. It was the end of the song and I began thinking of the other lines in the song. One of my favorite lines is "And remember when we walk sometimes we fall." It brought me back to one holiday when my grandma was leaving the table and I was right by her. She needed help standing up and in the process she fell, looking up at me with fear on her face. I tried to reach for her, but couldn't. We were helpless. She lost control and I lacked the strength to catch her.

These last years of her life she truly had found her strength to live through God. The love she and my grandpa shared is inspirational. He has lost his best friend, his partner for the last 63 years (on December 16), and true love. They shared amazing memories. I pray he finds the true strength in God to make this difficult transition from his routine of visiting his wife. Like he said, he can't wish her back, but selfish as this sounds God, help heal his broken heart because he is an amazing grandpa who I want to learn more and more about and he deserves all the happiness in the world.

Grieving is a long process and Lord, I pray you help us to cope.

Day 20

9-19-07
Question: Who do I need to restore a broken relationship with today?

This chapter I began last night and finished tonight. My grandma has been in the hospital, back in the nursing home, and now on hospice. Her life wasn’t easy and although I was in first grade when my grandma Petersen died and wished she was still here, I did not take advantage of having one grandma still alive. This past summer I maybe visited her once. Always guilt would come over me because as days went on I knew her time was growing shorter. Today I decided to go home and see her to apologize. She was peaceful, sleeping in her bed in her bright pink dress, my grandpa looking at her like they were young love. She wore herself out talking all those years and walking in high heels. She was an incredible, stubborn woman with self-discipline I long for. The rosary isn’t a quick prayer but she managed to say it every night for many years. Although my grandma was sleeping, her sense of awareness was still there. It was grandma, me, and my conscience. The whole drive to Watertown I planned what to say. I touched her hand and she grabbed mine. I cried, a good cry relieving built-up tension and guilt. She is almost deaf, so screaming “I’m sorry!” at her didn’t have the same sentimental value as the whisper that came out. Finally, a sense of relief. I couldn’t let her ass away without apologizing. Selfish, I know, but it is part of letting go, knowing God guided me safely home to grab her hand and say, “I’m sorry.”

Day 12

Question: What practical choices will I make today in order to grow closer to God?

It has been a slump this last week. I haven’t read the book or Bible or journaled about the days I have read. Priorities were not there. Work was done, I packed up my apartment, relaxed at my friend’s aunt’s cabin, then unpacked in a new house, and now finished my first day of school. Lord, you know I prayed every day, and being at the lake gave me insight on being content. We stayed with a woman who did not find “Mr. Right” until 37 and they have a healthy 4-year-old daughter now. What I admired about her was her ability to be ok with being single for the rest of her life. She had accepted that, and I believe God has us work on being content and accepting of our lives because it is a reminder He is in control.
What choices should I make today to grow closer to God? I need to acknowledge my desire to have a more intimate relationship with my Father. “Dear Jesus, more than anything else I want to get to know you intimately” needs to be plastered on my walls. It reminds me to focus more energy on loving God more and praying more, and most importantly emphasizes to God my desire to grow. In relationships “I love you” is exchanged (hopefully) daily. The couple knows the love for one another but the act of acknowledgement shows honor to one another. It is the act of shouting to the world the love the couple has, the reinforcement, the constant reminder. Can you imagine living with your significant other and for a week he/she never said “I love you?” I’d be on the verge of depression and doubt. It is so clear now the pain God must feel when I don’t make an effort to show my love and ask for His help in knowing Him more. Lord, please forgive me. I want to get to know you intimately. Take my hand and show me.

Day 7

Just making a tastey salad! They're good veggie eaters. Please note they requested the aprons. I did not force them to do anything!

Question: Where in my daily routine can I become more aware of God’s glory?

When I am impatient the world seems to crumble all over. My good friend Ryan Murphy lives by his law: If anything can go wrong it will go wrong. Once something bad happens, does that trigger everything else so we’re more aware of the wretched, awful happenings? Yes, I think so. I believe we also bring on these happenings ourselves, SO…when I’m impatient (which, unfortunately, is part of my daily routine) I need to say, “Jesus, I believe in you and I receive you.” This phrase Rick Warren has the reader whisper while reading this chapter of “The Reason for Everything” is appropriate in numerous daily routines.
If I find myself punishing my nephews more seriously than if I were in a patient, happy mood, I need to say this phrase. It will make me aware of Jesus, the power He has over us, and how I need to be a positive role model to my nephews. Even at work or in class, colleagues do not give a rat’s patoot you couldn’t find your keys and they especially do not expect it to somehow affect their day. I need to be aware of others and God, not my little daily traumas. God should be number one in my life and I need to learn to accept him and ask for his guidance when life happens. He created us and knows us more than we know ourselves, so frankly, if I believe in Him and receive Him, He’ll know what to do.

Day 6

Look at how fun we are :)

Question: How should the fact that life on earth is just a temporary assignment change the way I am living right now?



This was not so black and white until now. We are ambassadors on earth living for the Lord to share his incredible power until leaving earth and making our way to heaven. My focus should not be on life’s petty details; however, I’m scared, frightened, terrified. It is hard to imagine that whenever in my 21 years I was happiest, heaven will be infinite times better. Life on earth is great no matter the daily battle. Heaven will be fantastic, but dying is frightening. I do not know when my day will be or how painful it will be. The element of surprise and the potential pain worry me.
In eighth grade I had knee surgery. Until that day I had no broken bones, stitches…nothing! It was terrifying. The point of the surgery was to rid my current pain, have rehab, and finally heal to a pain-free life. That middle ground of immediately after surgery and not being able to walk, having my dad tie my shoes, having my leg propped in the middle of English class was all miserable. This is a stretch, but my life feels the same. I’m afraid of the middle ground, the unexpected. We have earth, death, then heaven. I experienced the pain in my knee prior to surgery. It was excruciating. To think that pain could go away was unimaginable but an incredible dream. This life on earth, I—we—experience and are told how wonderful heaven will be but it is still the unimaginable.
No matter how painful the middle ground, once we are to the other side, all misery will be forgotten. I need to look past everything and see the destination of heaven because that beautiful place far outweighs anything, period.

Day 5

Question: What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? What are the greatest matters God has entrusted to me?

I had two paragraphs written to answer this question and they were just deleted. It is hard to pinpoint one exact event because typically I go through each day or week and remind myself God has something planned for me. A question of “why do you think God tested you that way?” Right now 25 things have me wondering why God did this certain thing or had me encounter a certain someone. I impatiently await the answer to these 25 things, but that’s just it…IT’S A TEST! I believe as a Christian we have all asked, “Why?” That seems legitimate because life is a test. God entrusts us with various gifts for us to choose what to do with.
Waking up each day with God watching over us is a gift. Not very often do I acknowledge this, but God is our Alpha Omega guiding and teaching us. It’s simple really. Life is our test where we ask why things had to be that way and the answer? Because God wanted it that way. What makes the situation more complex is that answer merely isn’t enough. And that seems just fine because I feel if I didn’t search for a deeper answer or pray for more understanding that my faith would not grow. We need tests to reignite our fire. God gives us that spark.
…it’s all easier said than done.

Day 4

8-23-07
Day 4
Question: Since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?
I need to stop worrying. It is easy to get caught up in “What did that person think I meant by that? Will this outfit look ok? Will they think I’m a bad person if I have this beer? Will they misinterpret why I did this?”
Instead, I need to take life as it comes and give things to God. I pray each morning I remember to ask God to guide me through the day and protect me from any evil that may come my way. Lord, I pray you remind me to give my problems to you and not allow them to build up and affect those around me. Please help me to not worry Lord and trust your will.

Day 3

(Picture: An oldie from high school...many years ago :))

8-23-07
Day 3
Question: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?
Family and friends would maybe say people are my driving force. I enjoy meeting new people, seeing old friends, having a night out. Sometimes I look to people to find joy in my day or help with a problem; however, this is not what I want it to be. God needs to be my driving force, my foundation, my solid rock. It’s a daily struggle to remember to ask God for help. Almost every morning I say a little prayer on the way to work but it has now become routine. Granted, I’m thankful that a part of my daily routine is prayer, but there needs to be that thing I do above and beyond each day to make it special. Looking around at God’s blessings He brings us each day, mentioning God in a conversation instead of leaving in regret on not sharing a special story. There is one conversation in particular I had with a gentlemen this summer and we had just met so we were sharing various life stories, goals, dreams, etc. We were discussing our hometowns, his being in Arizona and he asked why I live here and if I wanted to stay (Please note: He has enjoyed his time in South Dakota, so it was not a sarcastic WHY HERE?). I proceeded to tell him about my semester of school left, the internship program, and how I am just as open to relocating as I am to staying put. Indifferent so to speak. Usually when I tell people this I end with, “God has something in store for me, so we’ll see.” This occasion I did not. It’s like I froze, not necessarily ashamed, but did not feel like saying it this time. It’s not good to live in regret, blah blah blah, but I regret not saying that. I have only encountered this gentleman a couple times since then, and have not really had the opportunity of saying something, ANYTHING about God. That’s an excuse, I know, and I need to learn how to just slip in something about the Man upstairs. It needs to become apart of my daily life and conversation. Right now I pray for another chance to see this man so I can say that random something about God and go from there, but I’m also struggling with why I met this guy in the first place since he is leaving for home next week. It’s situations like this where I need to learn patience and remember, God is and needs to be my driving force, so trust in Him, give my troubles to Him, ask HIM! Lord, I pray for another encounter with this young man, and I also pray you help me take advantage of every opportunity you offer me!

Day 2

8-21-07
Day 2
Question: Knowing that God uniquely created me, what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

You know the answer before I type it. My body. Especially after turning 21 and drinking extra calories (I was a firm believe in not drinking calories except milk) and being in college and not having a daily work-out routine, my body has gone to the pits. Looking at pictures of myself and high school and the first years of college I ponder why I ever thought I was fat then. It is easy to pick apart others and wish my thighs were that small, my arms were that tone, and my chin was only one chin. If I was able to pick my physique, I couldn’t because there are too many options out there. If my thighs were smaller then maybe my skin wouldn’t be tan enough. It’s a never-ending circle. However, it is easy for me to say at the end of the night that partly why maybe I’m not dating anyone is because of my body. Really, that’s not true, but do you ever find yourself pointing out everything wrong as sort of a comfort issue instead of facing point blank that things are the way they are for a reason.
Just to clear things up, I’m ok with not having a boyfriend right now. When the time is right it will happen and no matter who I date next I hope to have a friendship first. Besides, it makes it easier when meeting someone of the opposite sex and not thinking, “I wonder if he’s boyfriend material” because females tend to do that. Another struggle is I worry about coming across too strong and think too far into things. There is a nice young man who I have talked with a couple times over the summer and I worry he thinks I like him in ‘that way.’ This all sounds childish, but I worry about these simple concepts. Sure, don’t care what other people think but it is certainly hard to not let it affect you.
When my best friend Joy would struggle with things she would constantly say, “Only God can satisfy you.” It was her reminder to give things to the Lord. It’s the best advice. I search for self-worth in materialistic ways when the answer to any problem is in front of me: GOD! Give my struggles to God, wait for God, listen to God, accept God, FEEL GOD’S LOVE! I LOVE how Rick Warren explains we are all an expression of God’s love. Any time I express myself or when someone else does whether it be music, a painting, dancing, or a loud scream, it’s always something big. You know what that makes us? Big? Expressions can’t go unnoticed. BIG can’t go unnoticed. We can’t go unnoticed, and that’s good because that means we’re not alone.

Day One

8-20-07
Day 1
Question to Consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

I need to find daily reminders to live for God. Today a co-worker called me for help because he locked his keys in his car. Granted I wasn’t the first person he called, but I was more than happy to help him. I didn’t have a screwdriver, so we went to buy one. Guess where his wallet was? Well, we found a pack of two screwdrivers for $2 and headed to my apartment for a wire hanger and then to his car. After we got his keys out he gave me the screwdrivers and said he would pay me $2 when he has it. That is money that if he remembers, I won’t accept. Nor will I ask him for it. He gave me the tools which he could have back because the likelihood of my using them before him is not great. He can keep the $2 because the whole purpose was help him, nothing more nothing less.
We are to be disciples, helping others without question or reason. It’s not often people ask for help from me…not daily anyway. I need a daily reminder to live for God, not others, not myself. There is a scripture in Ephesians, so I will finally print that off and put it on my mirror. It’s a scripture about dressing in God’s armor. Instead of reading it before bed, I need it in the morning to start my day dressing in God’s glory.

**Looking at the title of Chapter 2, I’m intrigued. “You are not an Accident” Never have I felt like a mistake, or at least my parents don’t make me feel that way, but being born 8 years after the last child leaves room for judgment, ridicule, and many jokes. My parents call me their extra blessing. I’m honored because all my siblings are blessings and my parents love us all equally but in a unique way. I pray from the next chapter I can help others understand that by being an illegitimate, afterthought, or unexpected child does not mean we are accidents not meant to be born. God created us, not our mom and dad. So by God’s creation we are all the same, but different in many ways.
Strangely, those “oops” babies lack self-worth just as the planned children. It’s a lifelong battle and I would put a large sum of money down that we have all found ourselves wondering, “What’s the point?” I struggle finding meaning to my life or suffer from feeling alone, but this does not come from being an 8 year afterthought. This is my struggle as a human being searching for meaning and I pray I remember to ask God for His word, His plan, His guidance instead of hoping it will some play out on its own.

Purpose Driven Life

As in the "about me" portion, last night I began reading Purpose Driven Life. I have decided to post my journal entries on this blog in order to hear from readers their beliefs, values, etc. I am a Christian who struggles. I pray from these entries you, whoever you are, will give your two cents on your belief system and tell me your daily practices so we can all learn from one another. This is basically a Bible study with myself and please understand by my posting these entries I ask you to not judge nor will I judge you.

It is motivating hearing about other's life experiences and practices, and I look forward to learning more about you and also for guidance, maybe even an accountability partner. Thank you in advance!

There is an age when screaming at the top of your lungs with absolute rage goes from being a misbehaved, why-won't-that-kid-shut-up child to an insane, disgruntled human. Why can't I, while sitting in Panera Bread, procrastinating from a metaphorical research paper on the Chinese Family Altar (sounds sophisticated, huh?) scream, release any built-up rage, and walk out the door not marked as legally insane? That is just madness though, because I'm a 21-year-old intern hoping to someday be highly respected wherever God takes me in the career world.

Isn't age just a number though? I don't know many 71-year-old men going to yoga at 5:30am with his 61-year-old wife who wore pigtails on her 60th birthday. Yes, my mom and dad do that, but according to medicine my dad should have a walker and according to the fashion police my mom shouldn't have worn pigtails past age 10.

My friend's family invited me to a Canaries game last week and we experienced a rain delay. Their cousin/neice/granddaughter wanted to jump in the puddles and I asked to go with. She kicked the water around and I continually tolder her, "JUST JUMP!" I wanted to join her so badly, thinking of the football and frisbee games I've played in the rain and mud and the carefree feeling I had at 10 jumping in the water after a hard rain. We were near the dugout and parents were standing back watching their children play and thinking "Why didn't we keep towels in the car?"

I would have been marked immature. Instead, I became the horrible baby-sitter who convinced the girl to jump, splashing the water onto her pants, revealing a large wet spot looking like she wet herself. I laughed...and apologized for not realizing all the water would land directly in that spot, but inside I was jealous because I wanted to be her running around with wet clothes after a nice puddle jump.

There is an innocence all children have, and I believe the age when it is not ok to scream loudly in public anymore is the age you are when you jump in the puddle knowing your pants will get wet and hope everyone notices.

Aykarumba

(The picture is my best friend Joy and I on the night before her BEAUTIFUL wedding!)

Who here is indecisive? Frustrated? Confused? Happy? Angry? Concerned?

How about all of those words at one time?

Everyone lives day by day, it's just the anticipation of what is to come that we all differ. It seems once we accept a situation, something changes and the acceptance process begins again. I struggle with actually being ok with my life.

"Oh well, it's part of life" just rolls off my tongue. I am happy. God has blessed me and given me a body to live (although when I complain to my mom about getting her legs she says, "Well at least I gave you legs." Yeah mom, not the response I was going for, but thanks. State the obvious why dontchya?). The more days I live though, the more I realize how little control I have.

Take a 'crush' for example. Grade school and middle school are filled with the boy or girl who is the cutest around and we can't imagine how anyone else could be as amazing. A week goes by and a new crush evolves and then comes "What was I thinking?" Not sure how it happens, but some people have a bigger impact on that part in our brain that gives us a crush.

High school and college roll around and then people tend to act on their heart. They fall in love, start imagining a family with this person. Does ANYONE remember a day where they said to themselves, "I am going to have a crush on this person"? It just happened and at some crazy moment you put pieces together and realize, wait a minute, I DO like this person!

How does that work? In high school I had a male friend (who is still an amazing friend of mine) and some of the 'elders' would ask, "why don't you just date?"

Because that would be weird.

He was/is an incredible person and will treat his girlfriend like a princess, but we never felt 'that way' about each other. God has something in store for us. When you naturally feel a certain way, it's more His way than the natural way.

This was more of a babbling on how little control I have over things right now, and it stinks, but I'm slowly understanding how eventually it will make sense and *sigh* I suppose it's probably a good thing I'm not calling all the shots.

I'll have the usual...

When customers were not around I would throw old or dropped burger buns out the shack window for the seagulls to devour. It brought entertainment to the day. One day a man peaked his head around the window and said, "Well, I was wondering why all the seagulls were here! Now I know."

I immediately apologized, not realizing there was still a person eating at the picnic table. So many customers had complained about the 'pesty birds,' so I knew better to only feed them when no one was around. The man said there was no need to apologize. He had a grin on his face and shared the joy of feeding the seagulls.

This man was one of my regulars at the shack. He always ordered two brats and a drink, never chips. One Wednesday he decided to try a walking taco and discovered he enJOYed it. So, aside from Wednesdays, he always ordered to brats and a drink, never chips. He came later in the day, so he was usually the only customer for about a 10 minute span. He knew my name from my tag and I only knew his last name because his niece and I graduated together and I knew of one of his daughters. I can even tell you what he drove, where his daughter went to college, where she received her masters, where his other daughter went to college and where her daughter's husband went to college. But his first name, I still don't know.

He was a gentle, kind, caring, loving, genuine, all-around incredible man. The days he would find lunch elsewhere never felt complete. I enjoyed his greeting of a smile and the encouragement that came from our conversations. My last day of work I bawled. The people I worked with inside were incredible. They were hilarious and amazingly generous. There was another person I was going to miss as well. The man who became a regular did not show up my last day. I was looking forward to thanking him for his business and kindness and how I appreciated the conversations we had. I was jealous of whoever would run the shack the rest of the summer and this summer because he was such an enJOYable person to be around.

Today I found out he passed away from cancer. It was a 2 year battle for him. His incredible attitude and seemingly positive outlook on life was and is something for all to strive for. Now he is in heaven looking down on his family and I say thank you to him for reinforcing one of the best lessons my father has taught me.

Don't draw attention to yourself from your own pain. Just enJOY life. Obviously it is important for us to vent now and then about life's troubles, so I don't mean to say never mention a single problem. We'd all go insane if everything bottled up! But sometimes we dwell on the things going on in our own life and don't pay attention to those around us. Now that I know of this man's cancer battle, he seemed to accept it and move on with his life. He had concern for those around him, the power to look past his struggles and learn about other people's lives.

What an amazing man. I pray his family has the love and support they need. He was an incredible human being and will be missed here on earth, but God has an incredible new addition up in heaven!

The four women in this picture did not exist to me last August. I ran the Hy-Vee burger shack over the summer and had a few "regulars" wondering what life held in the fall.

My response was, "Well, I'll be an RA in Binnewies! It will be an experience!"

Typically what followed was a story about their RA experience, or a family member who went to SDSU, or a 'good luck.'

The middle of August came, we loaded up two cars, climbed 3 flights of stairs (one too many times), and ready or not, my junior year of college had begun. I remember after saying good-bye to my parents, they went ahead and my boyfriend at the time stood in my room with my as I bawled my eyes out, complaining of how scared, unprepared, unqualified, and any other negative thing I was. He comforted me with the, "Everything will be ok."

Organization isn't my forte, planning is. Not knowing the who, what, when, where, why of things drives me insane! That was my fear for the year, just as any other. God didn't give us the 411 of who we'll meet, when it will be, where it will be, etc.

My dad will be here in approximately 7 hours to help load up the final belongings. I sit in my room reminiscing of the entire year, the late-night conversation girls didn't think I heard, the drunken encounters, the creative games in the hallway, the disgusting stench of the unclean bathroom.

Most importantly, the people I met this past year have taught me an abundance of life-long interpersonal skills. Hopefully someday they all know how thankful I am for the past year, all because of them. I struggle knowing I could not offer them more, or maybe did not put enough effort into providing for them. Regardless, I pray they all enJOY their future journeys and do not approach new beginnings with fear. There is a unique aspect of every person on this earth and I am fascinated by and thankful for experiencing over 400 new unique qualities this year. Thank you all!

(The girls in the picture are some amazing women with incredible personalities and giving hearts! If you know one of them you are truly blessed!)

Ask

(My nephews Isaac and Tyson. They are so young, beautiful, and not so innocent!)

Do you ever become so angry at yourself you sit and wonder how and why you ever got to that point? My mom once said to me, "Anna, she may be driving you crazy, but who is the driver?"

The anger builds inside because I make so many assumptions since there will then be less room for disappointment. Is it really worth it though? In the end I typically regret giving too much of myself to someone or something instead of giving my life to God. He's in control, not me. What "gets in the way" is how He allows us to make our decisions, and instead of asking God to guide me, I convince myself whatever I'm doing is ok.

"God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like His Son" Romans 8:29

It is one of God's greatest lessons. He created our unique and beautiful selves. He is our Father who guides us, just as our parents on earth do, but eventually we begin to live our own lives. We no longer ask what time to be home, or if a friend can spend the night, or if we can take the car. It is easy to forget to ask if what we are doing is ok.

I'm angry. I'm angry that I have lead someone to believe I am someone else. I'm angry I have focused too much of my attention elsewhere besides my Bible or journal. I'm angry I didn't ask for help.

I'm content because as much as I have and will struggle, God knows me inside and out and will help. All I have to do is ask.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

God bless Virginia Tech!

(This is one of my favorite pictures from high school. I'm thankful for the friend support system I had and continue to have today!)

It's far too easy to feel naive when tragedy strikes, especially when the tragedy is nearly 1200 miles southeast. God bless the 33 people killed today. Life is about lessons, learning from them, and moving forward. Over 60 families received calls today that their child was dead or injured, and every other student at Virginia Tech has to face reality to what happened.

I spent today watching updates as the death number raised. Before class I made my way to the Union, looked up more information online and a gentlemen from KSFY approached me asking if I wouldn't mind being interviewed about the recent events. Our family loves the spotlight so I nearly jumped with glee at the opportunity to be on the news. Afterwards I made my way to class calling my mom and dad to tune in that night and then a couple friends to share my excitement.

After speaking with my dad I hung up the phone and was immediately filled with guilt. How could I be so selfish? KSFY interviewed me because 33 people lost their lives to an unhappy person. I apologize to anyone who witnessed my excitement today. I would give up that interview or any other ounce of excitement I've ever had in my life so the friends and families of those loved ones would not feel an ounce of pain.

God will always protect and guide us, and I pray those affected by the Virginia massacre have a loving and caring support system. They need all of our prayers and the healing touch of God's loving hand. There are long days ahead for them, some filled with doubt, others with relief, but hopefully each day they recognize God's plan and find comfort in His word.

Isaiah 43:1 (one of my mom's favorite verses) "I have called you by name, you are mine."

God called on 33 more students today. How cool to be in God's classroom now!

Dummy

FINALLY I saw "The Pursuit of Happyness." The story of Chris Gardner, a humble man who worked at being no one but himself, at least the movie portrayed him that way, and it was wonderful. He admitted his mistakes but never failed; he kept reaching.

My favorite scene is when his son Chris (they're both Chris') tells his father a joke. It goes something like this...
A man was in the water and a boat came by and asks, "Hey, do you need any help?"
"No thank you. God will save me."
A second boat comes by and asks, "Hey, do you need any help?"
"No thank you. God will save me," the man says again.
The man drowns and goes to Heaven. He asks God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God says, "I tried. I sent you two boats dummy."

I grinned ear to ear after that scene. The joke, adorable. The reality, it's true. We all communicate with God differently. He has a light to guide us, but sometime we forget to turn it on.

Over a year and a half ago I struggled with finding a purpose other than motherhood in my life. I have always wanted children. I still dream of the night there is a huge thunderstorm and my frightened children pile into bed and I try comforting them over a storm I myself am probably more afraid of than them. Even though visions of motherhood race through my mind, I finally heard God tell me to be patient. It was July of 2005 and I was in the middle of the book Captivating. I discovered patience, patience that God will show me a husband when I stop looking.

A weight lifted off my shoulders. God was in control, but my admittance to it gave me the satisfaction only God can provide. A month later there was a guy I started seeing and every night I read my Bible, praying for God to tell me whether or not to pursue the relationship. I was apprehensive and felt uneasy and one night I said, "OK God, I'm going to date him. Try it out."

I fell in love. He became my shoulder to cry on, a man who loved me more for my quirkiness, for my laughter when I was nervous. We shared an incredible year and a half. Now, nearly two months after our break-up, I know that uneasiness I felt at the beginning was God. God had given me patience on waiting to be a mother, but I didn't have enough patience to wait for God to answer about anything else going on in my life.

There is no regret about my recent relationship. We truly loved each other and he is an amazing man, but that uneasiness I felt in the beginning of our "courtship" was God saying, "Anna, you're not ready for a relationship." I was in the water, waiting for the boat to come, but gave up before it came. God taught me so much in that relationship. He showed me passion and forgiveness, but more importantly he taught me how to be patient and listen.

God is there to protect us. He holds our hand when we are scared, He lays a calmness over us when we are sad, He gives us a light to guide us. We just have to be patient and wait for the boat and let it take us on our journey.

The other

Do you ever find yourself observing someone else's life and say to yourself, "Wow, I wish I was like them"? One of my main struggles lately is I know my relationship with God is dwindling. I'm not involved with any campus ministry nor do I make a big effort Sunday mornings to step out of my ever so comfy bed. However, for Lent I decided that I was going to make a bigger effort at journaling on top of the Bible reading I do every night. So far so good, but I kick myself knowing there is more I can do such as church, a bible study, CRU, etc...

There have been a few stories I have come across about families and their life on how God has helped them during tough times. Families in church amaze me in their hard work of dressing their four children and being determined to make it to church at least 5 minutes before starting time! "Captivating" was an incredible book I read that helped me dig deep into my relationship with God due to the real-life experiences of the author. But in all the cases above, I long for the strong faith these people have and how much more beautiful they are because of their passion for the Lord. Because I don't know these people first-hand, I have created an image of perfection. I believe we all have some sort of desire somewhere in us to be as "perfect" as someone else whose life seems so wonderful. I also believe that is one of our more common sins as humans.

What runs through my mind is that all of these people are better Christians than I am and because of that, their life will play out so smoothly. WRONG. These people suffer pain from losing a loved one, just like I do. These people make judgments about others, just like I do. These people say, "Why God?" just like I do. These people are sinners, just like I am.

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:8

As I sit here indulging in Teddy Grahams and wishing I had a 24 inch waist like my mother did in high school just so I can fit into her old prom dress for a special event coming up, I know we are all God's children and when we leave this blessed earth he is not going to say, "Ooh, sorry, no Heaven for you. You had one too many Teddy Grahams."

God made us all unique and we're all beautiful in His eyes, so instead of hoping to be as "great of Christians" as someone else, concentrate on being like Jesus. As much as I want to be like some of those influential people in my life, I am thankful for the life God has given me and I now understand that no one person is better than the next because we all have the same Creator, the same unconditional love, we all are sinners, and we all have a Father in Heaven who picks us up when we fall.

Dad

In 1994 my dad retired at age 58 (soon to be 59). He was a school teacher, basketball coach and legend, and MY dad. He and my mom have 4 children. I'm the fourth, an eight year after thought so to speak. Outsiders say mistake, my parents say miracle. My siblings grew up with our mom taking care of them, running the carpool, providing the after school snack, etc. In third grade my dad took on that role for me and my mom began her transition from housewife to career woman, thus, I am a daddy's girl.

You may not believe it, but my dad is Superman. He drove a rusted Datsun from the 1980's (a signature vehicle that used to embarass me, but later on when anyone would make fun of it, I'd inform them it was his pride and joy) that carried snow blowers, lawn mowers, bricks, carpentry tools, and even four of the neighbor kids and myself during our carpool rotation. As mentioned before, he was and is a basketball legend. He won state titles as a Hayti Redbird and won a national title at SDSU (Go Jacks!). He was one of the top 500 basketball players in the nation, was the only child of 11 to go to college and paid his way through from a basketball scholarship and sold fruit and sandwiches to students after the commons closed. He snowblows the neighbor's driveways, ventures in the Datsun to my grandpa's and cleans a path for him, mows lawns, builds housing additions for friends, runs 5 days a week and does yoga 3 days a week.

The catch is, he doesn't complain. His coaches brag to me about my dad's athletic talent and I've witnessed his carpentry/lawn jobs otherwise I wouldn't know a drop of it. He is a humble man and only raises his voice if we disrespect our mother. His baking abilities are superb and he may be the most organized and cleanest man I know.

I live my life in regret of not loving him enough. I don't say "I love you" to my parents. It's not comfortable for me but when I leave the house and my cat is at the back door, I tell her I love her. It has never made sense to me. My dad has provided our family with so much. He is incredibally generous and the best friend any person could ever have.

The fifth commandment, "Honor your mother and father" is simple. Treat your parents well (we all turn into them someday somehow :)), show them you care. Why is it so difficult though? My dad greets me at the door with a big hug saying "Well hi sweetheart" every time I come home. When I leave to go back to school and venture the 45 minute drive south, tears well up in his eyes and he says, "Ok, buckle up, lock the doors, call when you get there. 65 is an ok speed."

"Ok dad."

Sometimes I spend the 45 minute drive bawling, asking God to forgive me for how cruel I have treated my father through actions or words. My dad is 50 years older than me. When he is 100, I'll be 50. My friends will have their parents around much longer and I wonder how I can make up for the past and treat my father well and treat him the way he deserves.

The infamous scripture of love in 1 Corinthians "...and the greatest of these is love" is what I need to live by. All we need is love. Knowing God's love, sharing God's love, loving friends, loving family, loving God's amazing earth he has blessed us with.

I need to learn to love. My father has and always will love. He loves the Lord and his wife more than words can explain. He'd give up anything to save the life of one of us kids and even his grandchildren. People say to not live in regret, but I can't help but feel guilty that I haven't loved my father enough. God says it in the Bible plain and simple. LOVE! So the best way to start repaying my Father in heaven and my father on earth is just this: I love you dad.