Day 20

9-19-07
Question: Who do I need to restore a broken relationship with today?

This chapter I began last night and finished tonight. My grandma has been in the hospital, back in the nursing home, and now on hospice. Her life wasn’t easy and although I was in first grade when my grandma Petersen died and wished she was still here, I did not take advantage of having one grandma still alive. This past summer I maybe visited her once. Always guilt would come over me because as days went on I knew her time was growing shorter. Today I decided to go home and see her to apologize. She was peaceful, sleeping in her bed in her bright pink dress, my grandpa looking at her like they were young love. She wore herself out talking all those years and walking in high heels. She was an incredible, stubborn woman with self-discipline I long for. The rosary isn’t a quick prayer but she managed to say it every night for many years. Although my grandma was sleeping, her sense of awareness was still there. It was grandma, me, and my conscience. The whole drive to Watertown I planned what to say. I touched her hand and she grabbed mine. I cried, a good cry relieving built-up tension and guilt. She is almost deaf, so screaming “I’m sorry!” at her didn’t have the same sentimental value as the whisper that came out. Finally, a sense of relief. I couldn’t let her ass away without apologizing. Selfish, I know, but it is part of letting go, knowing God guided me safely home to grab her hand and say, “I’m sorry.”

Day 12

Question: What practical choices will I make today in order to grow closer to God?

It has been a slump this last week. I haven’t read the book or Bible or journaled about the days I have read. Priorities were not there. Work was done, I packed up my apartment, relaxed at my friend’s aunt’s cabin, then unpacked in a new house, and now finished my first day of school. Lord, you know I prayed every day, and being at the lake gave me insight on being content. We stayed with a woman who did not find “Mr. Right” until 37 and they have a healthy 4-year-old daughter now. What I admired about her was her ability to be ok with being single for the rest of her life. She had accepted that, and I believe God has us work on being content and accepting of our lives because it is a reminder He is in control.
What choices should I make today to grow closer to God? I need to acknowledge my desire to have a more intimate relationship with my Father. “Dear Jesus, more than anything else I want to get to know you intimately” needs to be plastered on my walls. It reminds me to focus more energy on loving God more and praying more, and most importantly emphasizes to God my desire to grow. In relationships “I love you” is exchanged (hopefully) daily. The couple knows the love for one another but the act of acknowledgement shows honor to one another. It is the act of shouting to the world the love the couple has, the reinforcement, the constant reminder. Can you imagine living with your significant other and for a week he/she never said “I love you?” I’d be on the verge of depression and doubt. It is so clear now the pain God must feel when I don’t make an effort to show my love and ask for His help in knowing Him more. Lord, please forgive me. I want to get to know you intimately. Take my hand and show me.