Control yourself

(This is a picture from freshmen year of college with Murphy and Ted! It's significance...we're in Louie the Lumina!)
A little preface to the blog: In high school my girlfriend had a red Lumina named LuLu and since mine was blue she decided Louie was a good name. Another friend had a gray one and he became our son Louis. I would like to note that I believe mine was/is the only one with power windows!

Do you find it fascinating how one event--large or small scale--causes a chain reaction or "domino effect?" I sure do. The fascination in trailing from one act to the next, and eventually ending back at this certain thing that happened. One pivotal moment appearing meaningless at the time now affect numerous aspects of a person's life. You get the idea.

Currently, this fascination poses frustrating! Last week I was in a car accident (the other person and myself are both alive, doing fine, and for the record it was not my fault to all those feeling women are poor drivers:)). It was my first accident and the feeling of not having control, the 'what could have been' result, and the shock overwhelmed my body. Thinking life would return back to normal, here are some "dominos" since the accident:

#1-I have been dealing with guilt about not appreciating the time I had with my late grandmother, not taking advantage of situations, etc. and after the accident I look at the Lumina now thinking, "How fortunate am I to even have a car. Why haven't I shown more thanks about these four wheels with two hubcaps?" There is such sentimental value to the car. My dad purchased it for an unbeatable price from our pseudo-grandparents years ago. They have since passed away (going on 10 years) but it was my little momento from them.

#2-Driving through intersections I slow down an extra 5mph which will probably someday cause some issues with whoever drives behind me. My apologies.

#3-Since summer I decided after graduation in December I would buy myself a car (assuming I have a job by then!). For the price of gas I had my eye on a Prius but the size and comfort of a Camry were more appealing. Now, when I procrastinate on the internet and search car sites, I only look at SUVs. Psychologically it makes more sense. Financially, unless I get a great deal and can use the leftover money from my monthly payments to counteract the price of gas, it doesn't make sense.

All my life I have struggled with not being in control. My faith, classes, flying, riding bike down a steep hill...

Maybe these dominos do not trail back to the accident. Maybe they trail back to me not being able to give up control of my life. What God says goes, right? But since he gave us the ability to choose, some of these material posessions provide extra comfort.

In Memory...

(Isaac, Grandma Mary, and Malinda about 3 years ago)

Grandma Mary passed away last week. October 2. Just one month after she had lost all vitals and by the touch of my grandpa (her love) her heart started beating again. It is the process of letting go of someone physically and accepting a new life in heaven. My grandpa has probably known for the last few years each day was an extra blessing because Mary has had quite the battle. She began her process of forgiveness, not only of others, but of herself, and also accepted more and more that it is ok for God to take her.

This extra month helped my grandpa truly be at peace with his wife's passing, which is truly a beautiful example of God's miracles. I was also blessed with the extra day at the nursing home with apologies about my neglect. Now I find myself reliving all the wonderful days spent with her. When my grandparents still traveled south in the winter, they would come home every spring and my grandma would sleep with me while my grandpa fixed up the farm house. She cleaned my room in her high heels when I was away. Our games of Skipbo, the pooping duck, the talking doll (cannot think of the name right now), and her beenie baby kick! The gentle quiver in her hand that was evident these last few years and holding it while she lay in her hospital bed.

After hearing of her death I turned on the radio and Chris Rice's Untitled Hymn was playing. The moment the radio came on, "Go in peace and laugh on Glory's side" came from the speakers. How beautiful. It was the end of the song and I began thinking of the other lines in the song. One of my favorite lines is "And remember when we walk sometimes we fall." It brought me back to one holiday when my grandma was leaving the table and I was right by her. She needed help standing up and in the process she fell, looking up at me with fear on her face. I tried to reach for her, but couldn't. We were helpless. She lost control and I lacked the strength to catch her.

These last years of her life she truly had found her strength to live through God. The love she and my grandpa shared is inspirational. He has lost his best friend, his partner for the last 63 years (on December 16), and true love. They shared amazing memories. I pray he finds the true strength in God to make this difficult transition from his routine of visiting his wife. Like he said, he can't wish her back, but selfish as this sounds God, help heal his broken heart because he is an amazing grandpa who I want to learn more and more about and he deserves all the happiness in the world.

Grieving is a long process and Lord, I pray you help us to cope.