God bless Virginia Tech!

(This is one of my favorite pictures from high school. I'm thankful for the friend support system I had and continue to have today!)

It's far too easy to feel naive when tragedy strikes, especially when the tragedy is nearly 1200 miles southeast. God bless the 33 people killed today. Life is about lessons, learning from them, and moving forward. Over 60 families received calls today that their child was dead or injured, and every other student at Virginia Tech has to face reality to what happened.

I spent today watching updates as the death number raised. Before class I made my way to the Union, looked up more information online and a gentlemen from KSFY approached me asking if I wouldn't mind being interviewed about the recent events. Our family loves the spotlight so I nearly jumped with glee at the opportunity to be on the news. Afterwards I made my way to class calling my mom and dad to tune in that night and then a couple friends to share my excitement.

After speaking with my dad I hung up the phone and was immediately filled with guilt. How could I be so selfish? KSFY interviewed me because 33 people lost their lives to an unhappy person. I apologize to anyone who witnessed my excitement today. I would give up that interview or any other ounce of excitement I've ever had in my life so the friends and families of those loved ones would not feel an ounce of pain.

God will always protect and guide us, and I pray those affected by the Virginia massacre have a loving and caring support system. They need all of our prayers and the healing touch of God's loving hand. There are long days ahead for them, some filled with doubt, others with relief, but hopefully each day they recognize God's plan and find comfort in His word.

Isaiah 43:1 (one of my mom's favorite verses) "I have called you by name, you are mine."

God called on 33 more students today. How cool to be in God's classroom now!

Dummy

FINALLY I saw "The Pursuit of Happyness." The story of Chris Gardner, a humble man who worked at being no one but himself, at least the movie portrayed him that way, and it was wonderful. He admitted his mistakes but never failed; he kept reaching.

My favorite scene is when his son Chris (they're both Chris') tells his father a joke. It goes something like this...
A man was in the water and a boat came by and asks, "Hey, do you need any help?"
"No thank you. God will save me."
A second boat comes by and asks, "Hey, do you need any help?"
"No thank you. God will save me," the man says again.
The man drowns and goes to Heaven. He asks God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God says, "I tried. I sent you two boats dummy."

I grinned ear to ear after that scene. The joke, adorable. The reality, it's true. We all communicate with God differently. He has a light to guide us, but sometime we forget to turn it on.

Over a year and a half ago I struggled with finding a purpose other than motherhood in my life. I have always wanted children. I still dream of the night there is a huge thunderstorm and my frightened children pile into bed and I try comforting them over a storm I myself am probably more afraid of than them. Even though visions of motherhood race through my mind, I finally heard God tell me to be patient. It was July of 2005 and I was in the middle of the book Captivating. I discovered patience, patience that God will show me a husband when I stop looking.

A weight lifted off my shoulders. God was in control, but my admittance to it gave me the satisfaction only God can provide. A month later there was a guy I started seeing and every night I read my Bible, praying for God to tell me whether or not to pursue the relationship. I was apprehensive and felt uneasy and one night I said, "OK God, I'm going to date him. Try it out."

I fell in love. He became my shoulder to cry on, a man who loved me more for my quirkiness, for my laughter when I was nervous. We shared an incredible year and a half. Now, nearly two months after our break-up, I know that uneasiness I felt at the beginning was God. God had given me patience on waiting to be a mother, but I didn't have enough patience to wait for God to answer about anything else going on in my life.

There is no regret about my recent relationship. We truly loved each other and he is an amazing man, but that uneasiness I felt in the beginning of our "courtship" was God saying, "Anna, you're not ready for a relationship." I was in the water, waiting for the boat to come, but gave up before it came. God taught me so much in that relationship. He showed me passion and forgiveness, but more importantly he taught me how to be patient and listen.

God is there to protect us. He holds our hand when we are scared, He lays a calmness over us when we are sad, He gives us a light to guide us. We just have to be patient and wait for the boat and let it take us on our journey.

The other

Do you ever find yourself observing someone else's life and say to yourself, "Wow, I wish I was like them"? One of my main struggles lately is I know my relationship with God is dwindling. I'm not involved with any campus ministry nor do I make a big effort Sunday mornings to step out of my ever so comfy bed. However, for Lent I decided that I was going to make a bigger effort at journaling on top of the Bible reading I do every night. So far so good, but I kick myself knowing there is more I can do such as church, a bible study, CRU, etc...

There have been a few stories I have come across about families and their life on how God has helped them during tough times. Families in church amaze me in their hard work of dressing their four children and being determined to make it to church at least 5 minutes before starting time! "Captivating" was an incredible book I read that helped me dig deep into my relationship with God due to the real-life experiences of the author. But in all the cases above, I long for the strong faith these people have and how much more beautiful they are because of their passion for the Lord. Because I don't know these people first-hand, I have created an image of perfection. I believe we all have some sort of desire somewhere in us to be as "perfect" as someone else whose life seems so wonderful. I also believe that is one of our more common sins as humans.

What runs through my mind is that all of these people are better Christians than I am and because of that, their life will play out so smoothly. WRONG. These people suffer pain from losing a loved one, just like I do. These people make judgments about others, just like I do. These people say, "Why God?" just like I do. These people are sinners, just like I am.

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:8

As I sit here indulging in Teddy Grahams and wishing I had a 24 inch waist like my mother did in high school just so I can fit into her old prom dress for a special event coming up, I know we are all God's children and when we leave this blessed earth he is not going to say, "Ooh, sorry, no Heaven for you. You had one too many Teddy Grahams."

God made us all unique and we're all beautiful in His eyes, so instead of hoping to be as "great of Christians" as someone else, concentrate on being like Jesus. As much as I want to be like some of those influential people in my life, I am thankful for the life God has given me and I now understand that no one person is better than the next because we all have the same Creator, the same unconditional love, we all are sinners, and we all have a Father in Heaven who picks us up when we fall.

Dad

In 1994 my dad retired at age 58 (soon to be 59). He was a school teacher, basketball coach and legend, and MY dad. He and my mom have 4 children. I'm the fourth, an eight year after thought so to speak. Outsiders say mistake, my parents say miracle. My siblings grew up with our mom taking care of them, running the carpool, providing the after school snack, etc. In third grade my dad took on that role for me and my mom began her transition from housewife to career woman, thus, I am a daddy's girl.

You may not believe it, but my dad is Superman. He drove a rusted Datsun from the 1980's (a signature vehicle that used to embarass me, but later on when anyone would make fun of it, I'd inform them it was his pride and joy) that carried snow blowers, lawn mowers, bricks, carpentry tools, and even four of the neighbor kids and myself during our carpool rotation. As mentioned before, he was and is a basketball legend. He won state titles as a Hayti Redbird and won a national title at SDSU (Go Jacks!). He was one of the top 500 basketball players in the nation, was the only child of 11 to go to college and paid his way through from a basketball scholarship and sold fruit and sandwiches to students after the commons closed. He snowblows the neighbor's driveways, ventures in the Datsun to my grandpa's and cleans a path for him, mows lawns, builds housing additions for friends, runs 5 days a week and does yoga 3 days a week.

The catch is, he doesn't complain. His coaches brag to me about my dad's athletic talent and I've witnessed his carpentry/lawn jobs otherwise I wouldn't know a drop of it. He is a humble man and only raises his voice if we disrespect our mother. His baking abilities are superb and he may be the most organized and cleanest man I know.

I live my life in regret of not loving him enough. I don't say "I love you" to my parents. It's not comfortable for me but when I leave the house and my cat is at the back door, I tell her I love her. It has never made sense to me. My dad has provided our family with so much. He is incredibally generous and the best friend any person could ever have.

The fifth commandment, "Honor your mother and father" is simple. Treat your parents well (we all turn into them someday somehow :)), show them you care. Why is it so difficult though? My dad greets me at the door with a big hug saying "Well hi sweetheart" every time I come home. When I leave to go back to school and venture the 45 minute drive south, tears well up in his eyes and he says, "Ok, buckle up, lock the doors, call when you get there. 65 is an ok speed."

"Ok dad."

Sometimes I spend the 45 minute drive bawling, asking God to forgive me for how cruel I have treated my father through actions or words. My dad is 50 years older than me. When he is 100, I'll be 50. My friends will have their parents around much longer and I wonder how I can make up for the past and treat my father well and treat him the way he deserves.

The infamous scripture of love in 1 Corinthians "...and the greatest of these is love" is what I need to live by. All we need is love. Knowing God's love, sharing God's love, loving friends, loving family, loving God's amazing earth he has blessed us with.

I need to learn to love. My father has and always will love. He loves the Lord and his wife more than words can explain. He'd give up anything to save the life of one of us kids and even his grandchildren. People say to not live in regret, but I can't help but feel guilty that I haven't loved my father enough. God says it in the Bible plain and simple. LOVE! So the best way to start repaying my Father in heaven and my father on earth is just this: I love you dad.