Aykarumba

(The picture is my best friend Joy and I on the night before her BEAUTIFUL wedding!)

Who here is indecisive? Frustrated? Confused? Happy? Angry? Concerned?

How about all of those words at one time?

Everyone lives day by day, it's just the anticipation of what is to come that we all differ. It seems once we accept a situation, something changes and the acceptance process begins again. I struggle with actually being ok with my life.

"Oh well, it's part of life" just rolls off my tongue. I am happy. God has blessed me and given me a body to live (although when I complain to my mom about getting her legs she says, "Well at least I gave you legs." Yeah mom, not the response I was going for, but thanks. State the obvious why dontchya?). The more days I live though, the more I realize how little control I have.

Take a 'crush' for example. Grade school and middle school are filled with the boy or girl who is the cutest around and we can't imagine how anyone else could be as amazing. A week goes by and a new crush evolves and then comes "What was I thinking?" Not sure how it happens, but some people have a bigger impact on that part in our brain that gives us a crush.

High school and college roll around and then people tend to act on their heart. They fall in love, start imagining a family with this person. Does ANYONE remember a day where they said to themselves, "I am going to have a crush on this person"? It just happened and at some crazy moment you put pieces together and realize, wait a minute, I DO like this person!

How does that work? In high school I had a male friend (who is still an amazing friend of mine) and some of the 'elders' would ask, "why don't you just date?"

Because that would be weird.

He was/is an incredible person and will treat his girlfriend like a princess, but we never felt 'that way' about each other. God has something in store for us. When you naturally feel a certain way, it's more His way than the natural way.

This was more of a babbling on how little control I have over things right now, and it stinks, but I'm slowly understanding how eventually it will make sense and *sigh* I suppose it's probably a good thing I'm not calling all the shots.

I'll have the usual...

When customers were not around I would throw old or dropped burger buns out the shack window for the seagulls to devour. It brought entertainment to the day. One day a man peaked his head around the window and said, "Well, I was wondering why all the seagulls were here! Now I know."

I immediately apologized, not realizing there was still a person eating at the picnic table. So many customers had complained about the 'pesty birds,' so I knew better to only feed them when no one was around. The man said there was no need to apologize. He had a grin on his face and shared the joy of feeding the seagulls.

This man was one of my regulars at the shack. He always ordered two brats and a drink, never chips. One Wednesday he decided to try a walking taco and discovered he enJOYed it. So, aside from Wednesdays, he always ordered to brats and a drink, never chips. He came later in the day, so he was usually the only customer for about a 10 minute span. He knew my name from my tag and I only knew his last name because his niece and I graduated together and I knew of one of his daughters. I can even tell you what he drove, where his daughter went to college, where she received her masters, where his other daughter went to college and where her daughter's husband went to college. But his first name, I still don't know.

He was a gentle, kind, caring, loving, genuine, all-around incredible man. The days he would find lunch elsewhere never felt complete. I enjoyed his greeting of a smile and the encouragement that came from our conversations. My last day of work I bawled. The people I worked with inside were incredible. They were hilarious and amazingly generous. There was another person I was going to miss as well. The man who became a regular did not show up my last day. I was looking forward to thanking him for his business and kindness and how I appreciated the conversations we had. I was jealous of whoever would run the shack the rest of the summer and this summer because he was such an enJOYable person to be around.

Today I found out he passed away from cancer. It was a 2 year battle for him. His incredible attitude and seemingly positive outlook on life was and is something for all to strive for. Now he is in heaven looking down on his family and I say thank you to him for reinforcing one of the best lessons my father has taught me.

Don't draw attention to yourself from your own pain. Just enJOY life. Obviously it is important for us to vent now and then about life's troubles, so I don't mean to say never mention a single problem. We'd all go insane if everything bottled up! But sometimes we dwell on the things going on in our own life and don't pay attention to those around us. Now that I know of this man's cancer battle, he seemed to accept it and move on with his life. He had concern for those around him, the power to look past his struggles and learn about other people's lives.

What an amazing man. I pray his family has the love and support they need. He was an incredible human being and will be missed here on earth, but God has an incredible new addition up in heaven!

The four women in this picture did not exist to me last August. I ran the Hy-Vee burger shack over the summer and had a few "regulars" wondering what life held in the fall.

My response was, "Well, I'll be an RA in Binnewies! It will be an experience!"

Typically what followed was a story about their RA experience, or a family member who went to SDSU, or a 'good luck.'

The middle of August came, we loaded up two cars, climbed 3 flights of stairs (one too many times), and ready or not, my junior year of college had begun. I remember after saying good-bye to my parents, they went ahead and my boyfriend at the time stood in my room with my as I bawled my eyes out, complaining of how scared, unprepared, unqualified, and any other negative thing I was. He comforted me with the, "Everything will be ok."

Organization isn't my forte, planning is. Not knowing the who, what, when, where, why of things drives me insane! That was my fear for the year, just as any other. God didn't give us the 411 of who we'll meet, when it will be, where it will be, etc.

My dad will be here in approximately 7 hours to help load up the final belongings. I sit in my room reminiscing of the entire year, the late-night conversation girls didn't think I heard, the drunken encounters, the creative games in the hallway, the disgusting stench of the unclean bathroom.

Most importantly, the people I met this past year have taught me an abundance of life-long interpersonal skills. Hopefully someday they all know how thankful I am for the past year, all because of them. I struggle knowing I could not offer them more, or maybe did not put enough effort into providing for them. Regardless, I pray they all enJOY their future journeys and do not approach new beginnings with fear. There is a unique aspect of every person on this earth and I am fascinated by and thankful for experiencing over 400 new unique qualities this year. Thank you all!

(The girls in the picture are some amazing women with incredible personalities and giving hearts! If you know one of them you are truly blessed!)

Ask

(My nephews Isaac and Tyson. They are so young, beautiful, and not so innocent!)

Do you ever become so angry at yourself you sit and wonder how and why you ever got to that point? My mom once said to me, "Anna, she may be driving you crazy, but who is the driver?"

The anger builds inside because I make so many assumptions since there will then be less room for disappointment. Is it really worth it though? In the end I typically regret giving too much of myself to someone or something instead of giving my life to God. He's in control, not me. What "gets in the way" is how He allows us to make our decisions, and instead of asking God to guide me, I convince myself whatever I'm doing is ok.

"God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like His Son" Romans 8:29

It is one of God's greatest lessons. He created our unique and beautiful selves. He is our Father who guides us, just as our parents on earth do, but eventually we begin to live our own lives. We no longer ask what time to be home, or if a friend can spend the night, or if we can take the car. It is easy to forget to ask if what we are doing is ok.

I'm angry. I'm angry that I have lead someone to believe I am someone else. I'm angry I have focused too much of my attention elsewhere besides my Bible or journal. I'm angry I didn't ask for help.

I'm content because as much as I have and will struggle, God knows me inside and out and will help. All I have to do is ask.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

God bless Virginia Tech!

(This is one of my favorite pictures from high school. I'm thankful for the friend support system I had and continue to have today!)

It's far too easy to feel naive when tragedy strikes, especially when the tragedy is nearly 1200 miles southeast. God bless the 33 people killed today. Life is about lessons, learning from them, and moving forward. Over 60 families received calls today that their child was dead or injured, and every other student at Virginia Tech has to face reality to what happened.

I spent today watching updates as the death number raised. Before class I made my way to the Union, looked up more information online and a gentlemen from KSFY approached me asking if I wouldn't mind being interviewed about the recent events. Our family loves the spotlight so I nearly jumped with glee at the opportunity to be on the news. Afterwards I made my way to class calling my mom and dad to tune in that night and then a couple friends to share my excitement.

After speaking with my dad I hung up the phone and was immediately filled with guilt. How could I be so selfish? KSFY interviewed me because 33 people lost their lives to an unhappy person. I apologize to anyone who witnessed my excitement today. I would give up that interview or any other ounce of excitement I've ever had in my life so the friends and families of those loved ones would not feel an ounce of pain.

God will always protect and guide us, and I pray those affected by the Virginia massacre have a loving and caring support system. They need all of our prayers and the healing touch of God's loving hand. There are long days ahead for them, some filled with doubt, others with relief, but hopefully each day they recognize God's plan and find comfort in His word.

Isaiah 43:1 (one of my mom's favorite verses) "I have called you by name, you are mine."

God called on 33 more students today. How cool to be in God's classroom now!

Dummy

FINALLY I saw "The Pursuit of Happyness." The story of Chris Gardner, a humble man who worked at being no one but himself, at least the movie portrayed him that way, and it was wonderful. He admitted his mistakes but never failed; he kept reaching.

My favorite scene is when his son Chris (they're both Chris') tells his father a joke. It goes something like this...
A man was in the water and a boat came by and asks, "Hey, do you need any help?"
"No thank you. God will save me."
A second boat comes by and asks, "Hey, do you need any help?"
"No thank you. God will save me," the man says again.
The man drowns and goes to Heaven. He asks God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God says, "I tried. I sent you two boats dummy."

I grinned ear to ear after that scene. The joke, adorable. The reality, it's true. We all communicate with God differently. He has a light to guide us, but sometime we forget to turn it on.

Over a year and a half ago I struggled with finding a purpose other than motherhood in my life. I have always wanted children. I still dream of the night there is a huge thunderstorm and my frightened children pile into bed and I try comforting them over a storm I myself am probably more afraid of than them. Even though visions of motherhood race through my mind, I finally heard God tell me to be patient. It was July of 2005 and I was in the middle of the book Captivating. I discovered patience, patience that God will show me a husband when I stop looking.

A weight lifted off my shoulders. God was in control, but my admittance to it gave me the satisfaction only God can provide. A month later there was a guy I started seeing and every night I read my Bible, praying for God to tell me whether or not to pursue the relationship. I was apprehensive and felt uneasy and one night I said, "OK God, I'm going to date him. Try it out."

I fell in love. He became my shoulder to cry on, a man who loved me more for my quirkiness, for my laughter when I was nervous. We shared an incredible year and a half. Now, nearly two months after our break-up, I know that uneasiness I felt at the beginning was God. God had given me patience on waiting to be a mother, but I didn't have enough patience to wait for God to answer about anything else going on in my life.

There is no regret about my recent relationship. We truly loved each other and he is an amazing man, but that uneasiness I felt in the beginning of our "courtship" was God saying, "Anna, you're not ready for a relationship." I was in the water, waiting for the boat to come, but gave up before it came. God taught me so much in that relationship. He showed me passion and forgiveness, but more importantly he taught me how to be patient and listen.

God is there to protect us. He holds our hand when we are scared, He lays a calmness over us when we are sad, He gives us a light to guide us. We just have to be patient and wait for the boat and let it take us on our journey.

The other

Do you ever find yourself observing someone else's life and say to yourself, "Wow, I wish I was like them"? One of my main struggles lately is I know my relationship with God is dwindling. I'm not involved with any campus ministry nor do I make a big effort Sunday mornings to step out of my ever so comfy bed. However, for Lent I decided that I was going to make a bigger effort at journaling on top of the Bible reading I do every night. So far so good, but I kick myself knowing there is more I can do such as church, a bible study, CRU, etc...

There have been a few stories I have come across about families and their life on how God has helped them during tough times. Families in church amaze me in their hard work of dressing their four children and being determined to make it to church at least 5 minutes before starting time! "Captivating" was an incredible book I read that helped me dig deep into my relationship with God due to the real-life experiences of the author. But in all the cases above, I long for the strong faith these people have and how much more beautiful they are because of their passion for the Lord. Because I don't know these people first-hand, I have created an image of perfection. I believe we all have some sort of desire somewhere in us to be as "perfect" as someone else whose life seems so wonderful. I also believe that is one of our more common sins as humans.

What runs through my mind is that all of these people are better Christians than I am and because of that, their life will play out so smoothly. WRONG. These people suffer pain from losing a loved one, just like I do. These people make judgments about others, just like I do. These people say, "Why God?" just like I do. These people are sinners, just like I am.

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:8

As I sit here indulging in Teddy Grahams and wishing I had a 24 inch waist like my mother did in high school just so I can fit into her old prom dress for a special event coming up, I know we are all God's children and when we leave this blessed earth he is not going to say, "Ooh, sorry, no Heaven for you. You had one too many Teddy Grahams."

God made us all unique and we're all beautiful in His eyes, so instead of hoping to be as "great of Christians" as someone else, concentrate on being like Jesus. As much as I want to be like some of those influential people in my life, I am thankful for the life God has given me and I now understand that no one person is better than the next because we all have the same Creator, the same unconditional love, we all are sinners, and we all have a Father in Heaven who picks us up when we fall.