Control yourself

(This is a picture from freshmen year of college with Murphy and Ted! It's significance...we're in Louie the Lumina!)
A little preface to the blog: In high school my girlfriend had a red Lumina named LuLu and since mine was blue she decided Louie was a good name. Another friend had a gray one and he became our son Louis. I would like to note that I believe mine was/is the only one with power windows!

Do you find it fascinating how one event--large or small scale--causes a chain reaction or "domino effect?" I sure do. The fascination in trailing from one act to the next, and eventually ending back at this certain thing that happened. One pivotal moment appearing meaningless at the time now affect numerous aspects of a person's life. You get the idea.

Currently, this fascination poses frustrating! Last week I was in a car accident (the other person and myself are both alive, doing fine, and for the record it was not my fault to all those feeling women are poor drivers:)). It was my first accident and the feeling of not having control, the 'what could have been' result, and the shock overwhelmed my body. Thinking life would return back to normal, here are some "dominos" since the accident:

#1-I have been dealing with guilt about not appreciating the time I had with my late grandmother, not taking advantage of situations, etc. and after the accident I look at the Lumina now thinking, "How fortunate am I to even have a car. Why haven't I shown more thanks about these four wheels with two hubcaps?" There is such sentimental value to the car. My dad purchased it for an unbeatable price from our pseudo-grandparents years ago. They have since passed away (going on 10 years) but it was my little momento from them.

#2-Driving through intersections I slow down an extra 5mph which will probably someday cause some issues with whoever drives behind me. My apologies.

#3-Since summer I decided after graduation in December I would buy myself a car (assuming I have a job by then!). For the price of gas I had my eye on a Prius but the size and comfort of a Camry were more appealing. Now, when I procrastinate on the internet and search car sites, I only look at SUVs. Psychologically it makes more sense. Financially, unless I get a great deal and can use the leftover money from my monthly payments to counteract the price of gas, it doesn't make sense.

All my life I have struggled with not being in control. My faith, classes, flying, riding bike down a steep hill...

Maybe these dominos do not trail back to the accident. Maybe they trail back to me not being able to give up control of my life. What God says goes, right? But since he gave us the ability to choose, some of these material posessions provide extra comfort.

In Memory...

(Isaac, Grandma Mary, and Malinda about 3 years ago)

Grandma Mary passed away last week. October 2. Just one month after she had lost all vitals and by the touch of my grandpa (her love) her heart started beating again. It is the process of letting go of someone physically and accepting a new life in heaven. My grandpa has probably known for the last few years each day was an extra blessing because Mary has had quite the battle. She began her process of forgiveness, not only of others, but of herself, and also accepted more and more that it is ok for God to take her.

This extra month helped my grandpa truly be at peace with his wife's passing, which is truly a beautiful example of God's miracles. I was also blessed with the extra day at the nursing home with apologies about my neglect. Now I find myself reliving all the wonderful days spent with her. When my grandparents still traveled south in the winter, they would come home every spring and my grandma would sleep with me while my grandpa fixed up the farm house. She cleaned my room in her high heels when I was away. Our games of Skipbo, the pooping duck, the talking doll (cannot think of the name right now), and her beenie baby kick! The gentle quiver in her hand that was evident these last few years and holding it while she lay in her hospital bed.

After hearing of her death I turned on the radio and Chris Rice's Untitled Hymn was playing. The moment the radio came on, "Go in peace and laugh on Glory's side" came from the speakers. How beautiful. It was the end of the song and I began thinking of the other lines in the song. One of my favorite lines is "And remember when we walk sometimes we fall." It brought me back to one holiday when my grandma was leaving the table and I was right by her. She needed help standing up and in the process she fell, looking up at me with fear on her face. I tried to reach for her, but couldn't. We were helpless. She lost control and I lacked the strength to catch her.

These last years of her life she truly had found her strength to live through God. The love she and my grandpa shared is inspirational. He has lost his best friend, his partner for the last 63 years (on December 16), and true love. They shared amazing memories. I pray he finds the true strength in God to make this difficult transition from his routine of visiting his wife. Like he said, he can't wish her back, but selfish as this sounds God, help heal his broken heart because he is an amazing grandpa who I want to learn more and more about and he deserves all the happiness in the world.

Grieving is a long process and Lord, I pray you help us to cope.

Day 20

9-19-07
Question: Who do I need to restore a broken relationship with today?

This chapter I began last night and finished tonight. My grandma has been in the hospital, back in the nursing home, and now on hospice. Her life wasn’t easy and although I was in first grade when my grandma Petersen died and wished she was still here, I did not take advantage of having one grandma still alive. This past summer I maybe visited her once. Always guilt would come over me because as days went on I knew her time was growing shorter. Today I decided to go home and see her to apologize. She was peaceful, sleeping in her bed in her bright pink dress, my grandpa looking at her like they were young love. She wore herself out talking all those years and walking in high heels. She was an incredible, stubborn woman with self-discipline I long for. The rosary isn’t a quick prayer but she managed to say it every night for many years. Although my grandma was sleeping, her sense of awareness was still there. It was grandma, me, and my conscience. The whole drive to Watertown I planned what to say. I touched her hand and she grabbed mine. I cried, a good cry relieving built-up tension and guilt. She is almost deaf, so screaming “I’m sorry!” at her didn’t have the same sentimental value as the whisper that came out. Finally, a sense of relief. I couldn’t let her ass away without apologizing. Selfish, I know, but it is part of letting go, knowing God guided me safely home to grab her hand and say, “I’m sorry.”

Day 12

Question: What practical choices will I make today in order to grow closer to God?

It has been a slump this last week. I haven’t read the book or Bible or journaled about the days I have read. Priorities were not there. Work was done, I packed up my apartment, relaxed at my friend’s aunt’s cabin, then unpacked in a new house, and now finished my first day of school. Lord, you know I prayed every day, and being at the lake gave me insight on being content. We stayed with a woman who did not find “Mr. Right” until 37 and they have a healthy 4-year-old daughter now. What I admired about her was her ability to be ok with being single for the rest of her life. She had accepted that, and I believe God has us work on being content and accepting of our lives because it is a reminder He is in control.
What choices should I make today to grow closer to God? I need to acknowledge my desire to have a more intimate relationship with my Father. “Dear Jesus, more than anything else I want to get to know you intimately” needs to be plastered on my walls. It reminds me to focus more energy on loving God more and praying more, and most importantly emphasizes to God my desire to grow. In relationships “I love you” is exchanged (hopefully) daily. The couple knows the love for one another but the act of acknowledgement shows honor to one another. It is the act of shouting to the world the love the couple has, the reinforcement, the constant reminder. Can you imagine living with your significant other and for a week he/she never said “I love you?” I’d be on the verge of depression and doubt. It is so clear now the pain God must feel when I don’t make an effort to show my love and ask for His help in knowing Him more. Lord, please forgive me. I want to get to know you intimately. Take my hand and show me.

Day 7

Just making a tastey salad! They're good veggie eaters. Please note they requested the aprons. I did not force them to do anything!

Question: Where in my daily routine can I become more aware of God’s glory?

When I am impatient the world seems to crumble all over. My good friend Ryan Murphy lives by his law: If anything can go wrong it will go wrong. Once something bad happens, does that trigger everything else so we’re more aware of the wretched, awful happenings? Yes, I think so. I believe we also bring on these happenings ourselves, SO…when I’m impatient (which, unfortunately, is part of my daily routine) I need to say, “Jesus, I believe in you and I receive you.” This phrase Rick Warren has the reader whisper while reading this chapter of “The Reason for Everything” is appropriate in numerous daily routines.
If I find myself punishing my nephews more seriously than if I were in a patient, happy mood, I need to say this phrase. It will make me aware of Jesus, the power He has over us, and how I need to be a positive role model to my nephews. Even at work or in class, colleagues do not give a rat’s patoot you couldn’t find your keys and they especially do not expect it to somehow affect their day. I need to be aware of others and God, not my little daily traumas. God should be number one in my life and I need to learn to accept him and ask for his guidance when life happens. He created us and knows us more than we know ourselves, so frankly, if I believe in Him and receive Him, He’ll know what to do.

Day 6

Look at how fun we are :)

Question: How should the fact that life on earth is just a temporary assignment change the way I am living right now?



This was not so black and white until now. We are ambassadors on earth living for the Lord to share his incredible power until leaving earth and making our way to heaven. My focus should not be on life’s petty details; however, I’m scared, frightened, terrified. It is hard to imagine that whenever in my 21 years I was happiest, heaven will be infinite times better. Life on earth is great no matter the daily battle. Heaven will be fantastic, but dying is frightening. I do not know when my day will be or how painful it will be. The element of surprise and the potential pain worry me.
In eighth grade I had knee surgery. Until that day I had no broken bones, stitches…nothing! It was terrifying. The point of the surgery was to rid my current pain, have rehab, and finally heal to a pain-free life. That middle ground of immediately after surgery and not being able to walk, having my dad tie my shoes, having my leg propped in the middle of English class was all miserable. This is a stretch, but my life feels the same. I’m afraid of the middle ground, the unexpected. We have earth, death, then heaven. I experienced the pain in my knee prior to surgery. It was excruciating. To think that pain could go away was unimaginable but an incredible dream. This life on earth, I—we—experience and are told how wonderful heaven will be but it is still the unimaginable.
No matter how painful the middle ground, once we are to the other side, all misery will be forgotten. I need to look past everything and see the destination of heaven because that beautiful place far outweighs anything, period.

Day 5

Question: What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? What are the greatest matters God has entrusted to me?

I had two paragraphs written to answer this question and they were just deleted. It is hard to pinpoint one exact event because typically I go through each day or week and remind myself God has something planned for me. A question of “why do you think God tested you that way?” Right now 25 things have me wondering why God did this certain thing or had me encounter a certain someone. I impatiently await the answer to these 25 things, but that’s just it…IT’S A TEST! I believe as a Christian we have all asked, “Why?” That seems legitimate because life is a test. God entrusts us with various gifts for us to choose what to do with.
Waking up each day with God watching over us is a gift. Not very often do I acknowledge this, but God is our Alpha Omega guiding and teaching us. It’s simple really. Life is our test where we ask why things had to be that way and the answer? Because God wanted it that way. What makes the situation more complex is that answer merely isn’t enough. And that seems just fine because I feel if I didn’t search for a deeper answer or pray for more understanding that my faith would not grow. We need tests to reignite our fire. God gives us that spark.
…it’s all easier said than done.